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Am I doing it right? Am I doing life right? Oh is life going to be all like it's been so far? Am I soon goa be a bald fat white-haired 57 years old dude, looking my the half of a century of mixed success and failures? Would I be feeling shitty that the most fundamental problems have persisted throughout the past half a century despite the supposed successes? Am I goa be one of the random faces people see in a car or having lunch in a cafe while reading news, or trying to figure out how to sleep on the plane? Holly crap, am I one of "them"?

One of the mysteries of the modern era is the meaning of "others" and "them." They're clearly meant to distinguish "us" from "them." There's this invisible yet really thick line that separates us. Yet where is the line? If "Everyone" talks about "others," then no one on is the others; while at the same time others are everyone else apart from us, which must be so many people. So yeah, I'm really baffled about this.

Every problem and blame in this world is somehow because of others. Therefore, logically, I can't possibly be one of "them." I spent a good portion of my childhood and teenage years being convinced that I'm a special snowflake. So without the slightest shred of doubt, I have a hero, savior, genius, or a great leader within me. Nevermind the minimal spots there is out there for those. Parents, teachers, good friends, motivational speeches, inspirational books, religious figures, all have pointed out how exceptional you all must be. They inflate you to the point of bursting. And the irony of it is that if everyone is special, isn't everyone just normal? The answer is no. Everyone is unique in their own particular way, so everyone is special (must be pronounced in a snobbish way).

But for all those stupid or shitty things I've done, could it be that I am one of them? Just a regular shitty person, not a particular shitty person? If I'm admitting and reflecting on it, does it make me slightly less shitty than ordinary shitty people? Like a deterrent from doing more shitty things? Seems like it hasn't worked well though. Fuck ... I actually enjoy doing some of it. Am I making all this moral relativism up to justify how amoral I am? Amoral not immoral, cuz I don't have any moral basis to refer to. Maybe that's the definition of being shitty. But aren't we all kind of shitty? We all have this shitty part kept in hiding. As adults, we learn how to hide it well with implied sentences, politeness, and sweet words. There are two hundred ways to say I waa dump you, or you're really dumb, or you're ugly as fuck. We sugar coat them so that people won't get hurt. But more importantly, we don't waa reveal who we really are and how we think. This isn't for them, it's primarily for us. So yes, I might be shitty. Just a regular shitty.

Does everyone being shitty make me being shitty less bad? Or should everyone feel bad? Apparently, most people don't feel bad. Because others are doing things that are way worse. But from someone else's point of view, they're among others and should feel bad. And yet no one does. So ideally, either everyone should feel bad, or no one should. I guess I chose the latter, which makes the world a shittier place, pretty much like others. That is more or less the justification I've been developing over the last five years ... sigh.

Gosh, how could I spend two hours writing down my vague thoughts? That's two hours that will never come back for a post no one will give a damn about. But what else did I wanted to do with two hours? Solve an imminent threat to the world? Solve the Riema hypothesis? Gotta be kidding myself. If life is mostly spent on futile things, while bother to think about why we did them? They're primarily stupid anyway. Maybe we should just enjoy doing them. Am I enjoying this? Maybe. Perhaps not. Oh did I just start to think about thoughts? Gotta stop here. Stop.